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Catching up!

Hi everyone, sorry its taken me so long to write something. As most of you know this year has been an absolute shit show for me. My brilliant Dad died during lockdown which he didn't understand because of his dementia. He was phoning several times a day feeling abandoned and wanting to die. While that was happening I tried to take on the blatant sexism at Perth Parcelforce as I got a temporary job there. My Dad was 83 but he was more modern in thought than any one of the guys in that depot. I was then, no surprise really, diagnosed with ulcerative colitis. I can only assume was caused by the stress of all that as well as going over and over what happened in the school I went to growing up. I'd taken a studio there thinking I could handle it. With all this going on and being trapped in a lockdown situation I really was not faring well at all but I managed to self publish a book which I know all of you lovely people now have! Thank you so much!!

I was really upset with everything that was going on regardless of the support I was being shown by so many people. I was prescribed a strong dose of steroids for the ulcerative colitis on which I completely lost it on in a spectacular way so I am no longer in that school building but was given counselling at RASAC in Perth. I've tried to get counseling for years to no avail. It just goes to show how much of a mess everything is where you have to lose the plot completely before anyone will help you. They are lottery funded, I will never criticize the lottery again. In fact I'm going to apply! It was so weird....I was going to my meditation classes but just having horrible visions and feeling really wired and angry. I didn't sleep for days. My friend Heidi then called. She wanted me to go and hang out with her but I just knew it was a bad idea as I was in such a state and there was no sign of the steroids wearing off. A few days later I found out she had killed herself. It was horrible, if I'd gone maybe she'd still be alive. Biggest mistake of my life. By this stage it was becoming impossible to keep my head above water, literally so I think the sessions I'd been given due to the breakdown on steroids actually saved me. Thats a bit like a snake eating it own tail though...isn't it!!??

As the steroids wore off I started having what the Doctors were telling me were panic attacks. Basically I couldn't breath at all if I went outside and was stuck in bed thinking I was going to die all the time. I felt like Colin in the secret garden just with one window to look out. I had to move all my things across town and I have a lot of things. The whole time I was breathless and probably looking like I had covid. I was prescribed another steroid based medication as well as Pentasa for the breathing problem but the fact was the Pentasa was making it so I couldn't breath. Its in the side effects but the Doctors told me to keep taking it. I told them I'd rather have guts that don't work properly than lungs that don't and that's the last thing I said about it. If you know me at all you will know I don't do doctors well and this whole episode has made me more scared of them than ever. Im just crossing my fingers and hoping that it was extreme stress that caused the ulcerative colitis in the first place.

I took a spot that was available at the Ice Factory. Its cute. Its got a pointy roof like a witches hat and I mostly hide in there making things and being a being scared of people in general!

Hopefully this feeling is very short lived!

They have got loads of brilliant stuff planned for Pride this weekend so I'll try and have fun instead of being a weird carbuncle!

Some more up side of all this I got involved with ScrapAntics on their Reflections project on the tall ship Discovery in Dundee. I made the pamphlet for their education pack and sold some work at their exhibition in the Wellgate shopping center. I started WOOFing, you swap working for food and a roof over your head on organic farms so I was up at Loch Tay gardening and looking after pigs, sheep and horses. I also made friends with two German sisters who have set up a business making organic veg boxes and have two luxury yurts at their beautiful old farmhouse they are renting out on air b and b. I'm making them some stained glass for their compost toilet. Sounds Bear Grylls I know but honest it is really posh!

I finally managed to get a paid job looking after a familys garden and horses. They are lovely and the house is next to the river Almond and I've found a spot for swimming which made me really happy. Yes I am still doing Deliveroo to cover other costs and my paper work is a mess but I'm getting there again slowly. I'm trying to save for a horse box or an old bus but its not happening easily!

I am making more glass with the lad I met where the piano is in my last post. His dad has rescued some stations of the cross from an old Catholic church and we are replacing Jesus with icons of capitalism. Gulp! More pop art. Apparently his dad can sell these things so we'll see how that goes.

I sold enough books to buy a kiln and have been making stained glass. I completed a stained glass memorial commission for the council, they also allowed me to make a memorial for my Dad and I've learned video editing in the process of making it. I really miss him and Heidi. They always remembered to ring me and told me how great they thought I was all the time. I guess as humans we really need that kind of reassurance from people. Its easy to take for granted what its like to have people around that really appreciate you and are interested in what your up to until its too late. I just wish I could have been their for them when they needed me. That makes me sad everyday but I try to make it OK by knowing now they are at peace.

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